when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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