he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
