How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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