i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
