wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's the barista slut.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
