Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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