I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
