I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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