My hand turned me down
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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