She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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