a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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