Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
