you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
