Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
