i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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