Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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