i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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