They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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