you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
