i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
