upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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