I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
