Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot