You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good