omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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