The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
