Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize