We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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