and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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