Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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