Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
