Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
