After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
