not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
