Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
