you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
