Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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