He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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