I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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