I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
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so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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