I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
