just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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