just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
