look no pants
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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