I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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