i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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