the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
is it fun? or sober?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
