Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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