my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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