Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
