Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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