she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize