Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
