oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Me too!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
