mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
