dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
