I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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