i just wanna soil my oats bro
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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