God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
