well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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