I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
