I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I will pee on everything he values.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
