Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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