im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
